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Blessings Family Members A Thankful Mind Past Thanksgivings Juggalette Dreams |
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| Nov. 22nd, 2009 | 12:23 am | ||||||
I needed it tho. That and more, but it'll have to wait. Ok, I really need sleep. I'll keep this short. (lol... don't say it, I know...) My folks are back from their vacation. They brought me a copy of V for Vendetta and August Rush. They also managed to track down the soundtrack for August Rush. Yes, as a matter of fact, I DID Squee. lol So as long as I can get thru tomorrow, I'll be able to pass the reins back at the hotel without havng a meltdown. It'll be good to do it. With how busy friday and today were, I haven't slept more than 2 hours in the last 41. I'm not even sure how I'm still awake at this point. lol Oh, be warned, the rest of this stretch of writing is gonna sound... assholish of me in a way. I acknowledge that. I know, gosh I have it SO difficult. Just go with it tho, I couldn't explain if I tried. Just remember how empty the "good" aspects of it are for me without the reason I started with in the first place. Payday is this wednesday and it'll once again push my bank account into the the BIG 4 range. Funny, even after a $2000 adventure, a $700 camera, a $1000 dollar laptop, and about $600 of various personal frivilous spending... I still have so much pointless money. I can't get rid of it fast enough now. It just keeps building up. At this rate, whether trying to save or not, I'm going to hit 5 digits in less than 6 months and there's not a damned thing I can do about it. I've even wondered why I just don't go back to retail... because I hate the fact I have money. o me it's just a reminder. Hmmm... I guess I don't go back because I know there's no joy there for me anymore. The only thing at this point that even keeps me working is the knowledge that as much as I hate that money, it's going to fuel my adventures this summer. With my passport done, all I need do now is wait for until my traveling companions are ready too. (If I could convince them to just let me pay for the damn tickets we could be gone by now. *pout*) She does make a good point tho, we need to wait for the lull. Plus the more money we have, the more... oh yeah... there's why I'm not asleep. I'm too busy daydreaming like a kid in a shop's sweets section. lol. Isn't it funny how when one travels with company, the number of destinations doubles? lol. Well hello Scotland. Anyways, I'm totally losing focus. All that isn't until summer anyways. Plenty of planning and revissions before then. I think the best part is that I'm not going to be alone. I know I need someone to hug me when it comes time to bury that final ghost. It'll take more than singing on the last street corner this time. Bleh, reading back, I realized half this entry is in my head. Sorry, I know this is probably confusing and annoying. I haven't got the energy to go back and fill it in tho. I will try to after I get some sleep. Just FYI, sleep makes almost anything better. Except narcolepsy. lol. Soory, couldn't resist. ;p Wow... I acutally feel good. I like it. *blush* Well, byeeee... |
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Sit down for Thanksgiving Dinner | |||||
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ditzy, dreamy, drained.
| "my life is a lesson. It's taught me to believe..." |
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| Nov. 21st, 2009 | 11:09 pm | ||||||
I am done hiding. I'll keep my close friends closer of course, but no one need worry about being excluded. I'm just going to remove the ones who I don't talk with that often. just feels... tidier. I mean no offense by it. bleh. I won't explain the dynamics, it's pointlessly dramatic. I'm sure the rest of what I'm about to write is what some would call dramatic also, but they can go to hell. If having real human feelings and expressing them is being dramatic, then go ahead and damn me. It's not like I haven't been before. 11 years, every day, not missing a single one, I thought of Kate. Every damned day since the first time I met her. And I abandoned her? Go ahead and deny why your soul feels hollow Kate. Rejoin the theatre and fill the hole with something else. You know one love will never be able to truely substitute for another. The hole will always be there. It's why I still make the choice to love you Kate, and why I will never have children, and why I will never make love to another woman, and why I will be sending you the divorce papers by january, as well as a few other legal surprises. What use have you to be married to me when you rejected me? None. Only catering to your selfishness. Which I see no is totally to be expected. Oh, enough of this ever so dour bemoaning of fate, this dear friends, is a celebration! A Becoming party as it were. Legacy is almost ready. It will be beautiful. All the things that need saying... I do want Ferne to finish with it first. I trust her. I know she'll make sure that Legacy is as objective as I want it to be. See, I'm far from healed. Gods, so very, very far. One doesn't heal from something like that overnight after all. Every day is a new rejection. Giving up a love of 10 years is not something I am capable of. I know I'll never be better than I could have been with Kate. The things we could have done... The irony is that as incomplete as I will be for the rest of my life, I will be more real than her. She prefers her adventures safe... how typical. This week, it's been a gauntlet for me. With me running the hotel, I've dealt with some truely stressful shit. Not to mention how the general confinement has been eroding at my thoughts. The epiphanies... I'm where I was 4 months ago... and yet, I'm so much more as well. 4 months ago I had no idea what to do. No hope of changing what I saw as a empty future. I resigned myself to either admit the end and give into what End that would make of me, or to do as Kate is doing and live a lie pretending that life held some point without her. Rambling to much, well stop reading then. This isn't for anyone but me anyway. Another irony. And the biggest irony? I have worth. My worth is exactly what I'm doing here. And it's something that I know no one else will do. MY worth is who I am. My worth is my choice to be what I am. And even if what I am condemns me to loneliness and rejection, to chaos and instabilty, I will be without a mask. I'm a wreck, a broken-hearted fool who still wants to believe the impossible. I don't care about living or dying, I don't care anything for myself. I've been damaged and have damaged others. I've seen the other sides of things that most can barely grasp the concept of or at best pay lip service to. Go ahead, give me YOUR definition of magic. Not the blurb out of a dictionary or a novel. Not an epic poem or song. Give me YOURS. And it will be incomplete. And if you can admit that, there may be hope for you yet. Let's face it tho, there's only one definition of magic that even approaches accuracy... But that's for later. For now, regardless of all the hardships that it may cause, I've chosen. I know now everyday is a new choice. I finally know what I'll choose tomorrow. There is so much to do... :) I embrace what comes. (Oddly, this whole entry felt like poetry to me. lol. I'll take that as a good sign.) |
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Sit down for Thanksgiving Dinner | |||||
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excited| Fuck. |
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| Nov. 19th, 2009 | 01:36 am | ||||||
I had Farnham tuesday and so i woke up mad early, got dressed and walked myself out into the cold ass air, it was 46 when i left my house; i talk the therapists ear off for an hour and i walk home; in a good mood, so i go in, and eat some speggetti-o's you know the ones with the little mermaid cutouts, well i ate those, dino nuggets and a hot pocket, I refuse to eat breakfast so when im home i eat like a monster. So im eating my grub, minding my own buisness, and becka comes and she's like i want some dino nuggz, so im like ok, Ill make some; so i sit on the couch and start munching down like i havent had anything to eat, which i havent.. this bitch says " Krrrrrysten is a faaaaaattttt assss bitchhhh", "sheeee issss ssssoooo obesssssssssseee" kept saying it over and over again, so i get up and pour myself some tea, hoping that she would stop, well she didnt, she's hitting me with a phone book saying the same shit over and over again, and i told her to stop NUMEROUS times- with her my patience is LOW!! and well im an emotional person. so i get up and im bitching at her, i feel my whole body tremble, i wanted to smash her face into the wall so bad, but i didnt, so i go to make my way up stairs and she's still saying shit, and she's yelling at me, " oh you do the same thing, you call me fat" Im like becka, you are. Im 22 and YOU are 12, big diffrence sweet heart. so i go upstairs in my room, and i just o balistic, I turn on the radio sit there for a second, and try to cut my wrists. (im making this a habit now a days and i dk why) so i use a metal part of a pen, the sharp side- then im searching thru my dresser and i found a knife, im like oh great, so i dig that it, and I did make it bleed a little, it didnt hurt so bad until after the fact. well i go downstairs, still upset and call derek on the phone bawling my eyes out on the phone to him about killing myself and asking him to find me a ride to Mental Health, I was so serious by this time, that i didnt give a fuck. so i left. derek ended up coming over, he's like Ill meet you halfway down your street, well i ended up takling another street and he found me, two blocks down, still talking like he knows me or something. the sad part is: that he does. so i go and txt my friend liz and i saty at her house for a few hours, and she ends up bringing me home. the end. Today: I had probation, I woke up at 6, 7, and 926 to be ther at 10, i get there and the guys a retard, Ihe wants me to go to school 8 hours a week, i wanted to tell him, ill go when i feel like it. i also told him id rather go to jail- i have farnham once every week for an hour, probation two times a moth, for 25 mins or so, they want me to go to class 8 hours a week and still find a job. #1- I dont wake up Usually until noon. (unless i have an appointment) #2- I WALK everywhere.. #3- GED classes suck, Ive told him before i need help in math, ive been asking for a tutor for 3!!!! years, have i gotten one? No, do the teachers help me? NO!! they chit chat all day.. #4- there is no number 4 ________________________________________ On a better note i made a cl ad like last month, I got a shit ton of responces back and this one really stood out, his name is Mishael (My-shay el) he's the sweetest nigg ever, he's cute, nice lips, ect. ZHe has two kids, and they are half white. which is nice. well anywho, he came and met my family about 2 weeks ago, that was a trip i though, beck kept saying nigga's and nigger and he didnt care, good thing cause i say it ALOT. so that nighht,m he was going to spend the nighht, cause he lives in NEDROW, im like geesh, thats a haul. he says he is but then we are getting horny, and we end up doing eachother.. so he's like im gonna leave ill call if i come back. he never called. actually i didnt hear from him until LAst thursday.. he lost his wallet and my number was in there.. he says he wants to see me. i said mhm, im sure you do. idk. i just dk. |
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Sit down for Thanksgiving Dinner | |||||
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| Nov. 16th, 2009 | 06:23 pm | ||||||
Work has been busy. Our days off got taken away to do this:  ( Active Shooter Training at Phoenix Police Department ) Work has been going well, just been busy for the most part. I figure I won't have too much time on flight, since I'm predicting we'll be leaving for predeployment for 45 days beginning in February. Who knows for sure though? Got to talk to an old friend today for a good while, that was nice. Also talked to my Mum for a good 20 minutes or so. Crazy how much has changed in 7 years. Sorry about all that. ♥ |
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1 of The Family Members - Sit down for Thanksgiving Dinner | |||||
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| Nov. 13th, 2009 | 09:55 am | ||||||
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crushed| busy busy busy |
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| Nov. 9th, 2009 | 02:52 pm | ||||||
My first day I had to go on a main road to shovel a dead poodle off the road. Second day, we apprehended a guy. Third, we had a medical response to a woman having a seizure in her kitchen. It seems like I'm going to be way more busy here than in England. Saturday we had the memorials. My mother in laws was great, more of a celebration than what I had expected. Mikey wrote a beautiful eulogy, stood up infront of everyone and made them laugh with his mum's goofy stories. He began crying a little during the funny parts of his speech, how unexpected. Afterwards we went to Kent's wife after memorial gathering. He said there were about 1000 people at the church. During Kent's eulogy, he mentioned Mikey and how he met us in the hospice, so when Mikey showed up in his military blues, everyone knew who he was. I'm supposed to work 5 days then get 3 days off, but now today is my only day off because we have 3 days worth of "active shooter" training. Thanks, Fort Hood. Got to hang out with my best friend Angel and his boyfriend last night. Mikey came along too, which is always nice. My credit card ended up getting stolen so my damn card got declined. Lame. Other than that, we had a fun time. Class tonight, and my presentation is due on the Triangle Factory Fire, ugh. Well, I think the best thing that's happened today is Kirsten called, she is going to Afghanistan with me and Mikey from her base in Texas. I was deployed with her my whole time in Iraq and my second deployment I'll be with her as well. Suuuuper happy to get that news. ♥ |
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1 of The Family Members - Sit down for Thanksgiving Dinner | |||||
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| Nov. 9th, 2009 | 02:49 pm | ||||||
 Gaby Michelle (Micola von Furstenrecht) Alger. Gaby fought her courageous battle with liver cancer till the very end and passed away on Friday, October 30, 2009, to be with her parents, John and Nancy; her grandparents, Uncle Sjoerd and her nephew Johnny. Gaby was born in Jakarta, Indonesia on Oct. 19, 1948, and moved to Eindhoven, Netherlands in 1955, and then to Phoenix, AZ in 1960. She married Michael Alger in 1976 and as a Navy wife lived in several states, including Michigan, Connecticut Hawaii and California. Her love of life was obvious and she touched the hearts of everyone she knew. She had numerous talents including cooking, art, dancing and photography, but her love for her family always came first. She is survived by her husband Michael, their son Michael and daughter-in-law Becky; daughter Kimberly and son-in-law John; her newly born twin grandsons Connor and Jonah, her brothers and sisters, Rolf, Hank, Frank, Inge and Hilda, mother-in-law Phyllis, brothers-in-law Patrick and John and sister-in-law Kathleen; as well as numerous nephews, nieces, cousins, uncles, and aunts. She is also survived by many friends from Balsz Elementary and East High Schools and her last job at Republic West. A private service was held on November 7th to commemorate her life. Donations in her memory may be made to the Hospice of the Valley Dobson Home, 1188 N. Dobson Rd., Chandler, AZ 85224 |
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1 of The Family Members - Sit down for Thanksgiving Dinner | |||||